Rant #1 - Welcome to Change

i am so sick of my blog.

it's not me, it doesn't show me. i feel like some auntie who's advising the whole world to do stuff that doesn't really need to be said. i'm afraid of what i'll write, i'm afraid of who'll read it. i probably will never admit it....oh well, i am now....but i am very conscious about what i write.

what the hell?

my blog isn't supposed to be about other people it's supposed to be about me. i don't care if this post has any grammatical errors and i'm not going to make any effort to capitalise anything because i'm so sick of it.

i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i don't understand what i'm trying to do! no-one's finding out anything about me through this blog. i'm not showing off talent or anything like it. what the hell am i trying to do???

who cares about what a fourteen year old in some desert in the middle east is saying about life and it's little instructions? who would listen to a fourteen year old's instructions anyway? i'm not making any kind of impression on anyone other than the fact that i sound like a complete and utter bore and i don't know what to do with my life so i'm advising others on what to do with theirs.

what the hell is wrong with me?

how many stupid times have i said 'hell' till now?

there are ideas of mine that i don't write about, i don't say it out loud. i don't and it's stupid. i want the world to know my ideas, i want my opinion to be worth something. then why am i not doing anything about it?

why am i even blogging about blogging? what am i trying to achieve out of this? why can't i ever be happy with myself? what the hell is wrong with me????????????????

i can't answer these questions and neither can you. can you? i bet you a thousand chocolate ice creams you can't. not in two minutes at least. and i love ice cream but i don't want to get fatter than i already am so it's just as well if someone answers these questions and makes me lose the bet. besides, you can't have a bet with the world, it's stupid.

a bet with the world is just a bet with yourself, isn't it?

ech. i feel like starting over. and over and over.

but i can't think of any other way to write. i'm confused.

where am i going with this? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!

there are feelings inside of myself that nobody knows about heck, i don't know about them. i guess that happens to everyone. but there are some days when everything just seems so distant and you don't know what you're doing and you're so spaced out. zoned out. whatever-ed out. you know what i mean.

and today was like that. i didn't know this from that. it's just as well it turned into that kind of day AFTER my History exam because....well, you know.

and the feeling part is bullshit. everyone has feelings. why should i be all special and say that my feelings are eating me up, i've lost myself, i don't know where to go or what to do, yada yada yada. don't get me wrong, i don't find anything wrong with other people saying it. its just i find it stupid for ME to say it. if i thought that way i'd pretty much feel like everyone else and i hate feeling like everyone else.

the truth is i don't WANT to be like everyone else. being like everyone else is boring and i hate it. i like hearing that i'm different, i like knowing that i'm different. and hey, i'm weird but everyone loves me so ha.

besides, "weird" is just something you've never seen or experienced before and it feels alien to you so you label it. it's stupid. OPEN UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE! THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR! DELAY IT!


" Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene..
Remember it's just different from what you've seen"


but to tell you the truth i am not the sort of person who would destroy my life and do something i don't want to, to make the world a better place. because my single efforts are not going to change the world in a day and besides i want to live my life not the world's life. i am part of the world and i think we're doing pretty good. sure, there's global warming and terrorism and all that but do you really think there will ever be a dominance of good? come to think of it, will there ever be a dominance of bad?

i know my readers may think horrible things of me for saying that but it's the truth and i'm tired of this sham and showing what a sweet little girl i am. i want you people to know the truth and the truth is i do give a damn. but unless i'm given a damn about too, i'm not going to do anything about it.

but that's just it. people do give two hoots about me, maybe even three. i am very grateful for these people and truthfully i feel the luckiest person ever right now. yeah, that sounds cliched and all but the word cliched is cliched. and although being different is good, sometimes so are stereotypes.

this post may change your mind about me. i do care if it does. because i care about you, i care about what you think. i'm not going to deny it.

another thing. i wouldn't want to change the world because i want to touch people's lives, personally. if i can save one person's life and change it for the better, i'll think i'm going the right way. i have no idea if i've done it already but i really hope i do it again and again and again. i don't matter. people matter. to me. to the world. i only matter when i am made a part of that world. but to me, i'm just me. so to me, i don't matter. people matter.

don't get what i said about not wanting to change the world wrong. i do want to make a difference and whatever i end up doing or being, i'll always want things to be better in the world and i will do whatever i can to do help change stuff.

sometimes i want to be rich and famous, mostly rich so that i can help out, so that i can give my parents the option of the easy life when they're older. but sometimes i don't want to be rich to help out because i want to help individuals out. i actually have a lot of respect for Oprah Winfrey because even though she's so bloody rich and has a big name, she touches people on a personal level, she actually catches real individuals as they're falling and brings them to where they deserve to be. laugh all you want. i'm laughing at myself.

where have i come now?
what am i doing?
do i regret writing this post?

i don't know the answers to these questions. do you?