Saturday, March 28, 2009


I wish, I wish, I wish.

Why do I wish so much? Even at a time when I KNOW everything is so beautifully perfect, I know I'm content and I know I have the right attitude and then comes along a day like this when all I can do is just wish for things. I keep wishing, I keep wishing. And then I think of what I'm wishing for and I know, I know that the only thing left for me to wish for is nothing. I have everything. I wish for nothing. But at the same time, I know I'm wishing. So what am I wishing for?

Noise, Noise, Noise. It all combines to make this delicious...noise.

I wonder.... why do I want, why do I desire, why do I wish when I know I have everything I could wish for? And then it dawns upon me.

I realise, my Wishing Noise, it's not very different from what I have. If what I'm wishing for is nothing, wouldn't that be the same as wishing for exactly what I have? I'm wishing for what I already have and that can show anyone how extraordinarily content I am. I have what I wish for. I have them and you and that and this and there's not a worry in the world and the reason I'm saying all this is... I find it funny that even the most content person I know can have something to wish for. Even when I can't be given the right to wish anymore, I do, because I need it. And that's the wonder of the wish. Even when I have the world, I need to be under the illusion that I still want more.

How very.... human.

If I couldn't wish, would I be as happy as I am?

Sunday, July 13, 2008



I've been away for quite some time now. Okay, that's such a HUGE understatement, I shouldn't have written it. But somehow.... it doesn't seem that long. I remember writing that last post like it was two minutes ago.

Why the hell does time fly by so fast?

I mean, seriously. Time is like a thousand times caffeine charged New Yorker - always in a hurry. I don't even get to see its face as it whizzes by, the least affected by millions of pleas to slow down. All it has on its mind is: "I've got to keep going. I can't wait for any man or woman or dog or butterfly. I've got to be a completely mysterious thing that no-one can understand. I've got to keep going."

Time confuses me. And sometimes I wish it didn't exist. Which, I know, is a stupid wish but come on....who has not wanted to stay in that one moment for the rest of their lives?
Actually, you know what?I'm not even going to attempt writing more about Time because it confuses me into frazzled-brain mode and I wouldn't be able to make any sense out of it no matter what I write.

All throughout the first term of tenth grade and this summer, I have not been able to sleep at night. No matter how sleepy I am, no matter how many sheep I count.... I can NOT sleep. This is because I've got too much on my mind, apparently. I don't know how to solve this, all I know is that it's friggin' annoying. I think too much, act very little. And these constant, annoying thoughts keep buzzing in my head and I'm just not able to swat them away. I try to calm myself down and empty my mind but there's always that faint flickering of a thought at the back of my mind that I can actually SEE when I close my eyes. And the worst part is, I could think of a million things about the world and his wife, but it all comes back to same bloody thought.

When school was going on, I thought I was going mad.

I don't know why, but I seem to want to act a lot more mature than I can handle. I don't want to annoy my parents with petty problems, I listen to them instead and I calm them down and never say a word about what's going on in my labyrinth of a mind. On top of that, my body's going bonkers. I get a sore throat every night and in the morning it's all fine. I get a headache every two weeks that lasts a day. Every day, a new muscle hurts somewhere. And on top of that, I always seem to have heartache. Not literally, but my heart is always aching for something. I can't really explain that feeling except with the word 'ache' so there it is.

All this is WAY beyond my maturity level.
I mean, I'm dealing with everyday teenage things which, in reality are extremely trivial. So, thinking that it happens to everyone and I shouldn't be given any special attention for it, I deal with it myself, often ignoring it rather than sorting it out, therefore gathering a lot of pent-up anger which can be quite frightening for the next person who annoys me just a little bit, as their heads are as good as not there in this case.

Maybe this is the reason for my insomnia. Maybe this is the reason for my confusion. Maybe I'll really go mad one day if I keep on like this.

But you know what? I kinda like it. I like the feeling of absolute confusion about everything. I like it that even though I think too much about things that aren't necessarily happy, I AM happy, believe it or not. And that confuses me further! It's like this vicious cycle and I'm addicted to it. I'm wondering if I'll actually be content if it comes to a point where everything's cool and sorted out and there's not a worry in the world.

I like the unrest in my weird little world. Do I hate that about me?

I have no bloody idea, but I'm gonna let Time tell me.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Rant #1 - Welcome to Change

i am so sick of my blog.

it's not me, it doesn't show me. i feel like some auntie who's advising the whole world to do stuff that doesn't really need to be said. i'm afraid of what i'll write, i'm afraid of who'll read it. i probably will never admit it....oh well, i am now....but i am very conscious about what i write.

what the hell?

my blog isn't supposed to be about other people it's supposed to be about me. i don't care if this post has any grammatical errors and i'm not going to make any effort to capitalise anything because i'm so sick of it.

i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i don't understand what i'm trying to do! no-one's finding out anything about me through this blog. i'm not showing off talent or anything like it. what the hell am i trying to do???

who cares about what a fourteen year old in some desert in the middle east is saying about life and it's little instructions? who would listen to a fourteen year old's instructions anyway? i'm not making any kind of impression on anyone other than the fact that i sound like a complete and utter bore and i don't know what to do with my life so i'm advising others on what to do with theirs.

what the hell is wrong with me?

how many stupid times have i said 'hell' till now?

there are ideas of mine that i don't write about, i don't say it out loud. i don't and it's stupid. i want the world to know my ideas, i want my opinion to be worth something. then why am i not doing anything about it?

why am i even blogging about blogging? what am i trying to achieve out of this? why can't i ever be happy with myself? what the hell is wrong with me????????????????

i can't answer these questions and neither can you. can you? i bet you a thousand chocolate ice creams you can't. not in two minutes at least. and i love ice cream but i don't want to get fatter than i already am so it's just as well if someone answers these questions and makes me lose the bet. besides, you can't have a bet with the world, it's stupid.

a bet with the world is just a bet with yourself, isn't it?

ech. i feel like starting over. and over and over.

but i can't think of any other way to write. i'm confused.

where am i going with this? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!

there are feelings inside of myself that nobody knows about heck, i don't know about them. i guess that happens to everyone. but there are some days when everything just seems so distant and you don't know what you're doing and you're so spaced out. zoned out. whatever-ed out. you know what i mean.

and today was like that. i didn't know this from that. it's just as well it turned into that kind of day AFTER my History exam because....well, you know.

and the feeling part is bullshit. everyone has feelings. why should i be all special and say that my feelings are eating me up, i've lost myself, i don't know where to go or what to do, yada yada yada. don't get me wrong, i don't find anything wrong with other people saying it. its just i find it stupid for ME to say it. if i thought that way i'd pretty much feel like everyone else and i hate feeling like everyone else.

the truth is i don't WANT to be like everyone else. being like everyone else is boring and i hate it. i like hearing that i'm different, i like knowing that i'm different. and hey, i'm weird but everyone loves me so ha.

besides, "weird" is just something you've never seen or experienced before and it feels alien to you so you label it. it's stupid. OPEN UP YOUR MINDS PEOPLE! THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR! DELAY IT!

" Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene..
Remember it's just different from what you've seen"

but to tell you the truth i am not the sort of person who would destroy my life and do something i don't want to, to make the world a better place. because my single efforts are not going to change the world in a day and besides i want to live my life not the world's life. i am part of the world and i think we're doing pretty good. sure, there's global warming and terrorism and all that but do you really think there will ever be a dominance of good? come to think of it, will there ever be a dominance of bad?

i know my readers may think horrible things of me for saying that but it's the truth and i'm tired of this sham and showing what a sweet little girl i am. i want you people to know the truth and the truth is i do give a damn. but unless i'm given a damn about too, i'm not going to do anything about it.

but that's just it. people do give two hoots about me, maybe even three. i am very grateful for these people and truthfully i feel the luckiest person ever right now. yeah, that sounds cliched and all but the word cliched is cliched. and although being different is good, sometimes so are stereotypes.

this post may change your mind about me. i do care if it does. because i care about you, i care about what you think. i'm not going to deny it.

another thing. i wouldn't want to change the world because i want to touch people's lives, personally. if i can save one person's life and change it for the better, i'll think i'm going the right way. i have no idea if i've done it already but i really hope i do it again and again and again. i don't matter. people matter. to me. to the world. i only matter when i am made a part of that world. but to me, i'm just me. so to me, i don't matter. people matter.

don't get what i said about not wanting to change the world wrong. i do want to make a difference and whatever i end up doing or being, i'll always want things to be better in the world and i will do whatever i can to do help change stuff.

sometimes i want to be rich and famous, mostly rich so that i can help out, so that i can give my parents the option of the easy life when they're older. but sometimes i don't want to be rich to help out because i want to help individuals out. i actually have a lot of respect for Oprah Winfrey because even though she's so bloody rich and has a big name, she touches people on a personal level, she actually catches real individuals as they're falling and brings them to where they deserve to be. laugh all you want. i'm laughing at myself.

where have i come now?
what am i doing?
do i regret writing this post?

i don't know the answers to these questions. do you?

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Writing, Writers, and Blocks That They Have

Writer's Block.

Is it really such a bad thing? It scares all of us as we suppose we can't think of anything to write about. But if you really think about it, Writer's Block might just be a blessing.

We all have experienced that time when we have no idea what to write about and we start randomly rambling and feel very stupid. But the human mind is a wonderfully strange thing and it eventually finds you something to write about. And most of the time, these random ramblings turn out to be quite good.

So what am I doing now? Trying to randomly ramble? Maybe. I am aimless and I love this aimlessness.

There is a certain vanity in writing. Who do we create blogs for? Ourselves, of course. Now if you say that we create blogs to entertain other people and find our faults, again, it is a selfish motive. Which is absolutely fine. As there is a vanity in writing.

Who is a writer? Someone who must be confident of themselves. Otherwise, why would one publish books or publicly post their writings on the Internet if they did not have some kind of confidence in their writing?

But then what would I know of writers? Writing is one of those things that cannot be explained, something that everyone has an opinion about, but also something that everyone is clueless about. Like Love.

Love and Writing are very closely connected. And that's what makes it so wonderful. Everyone, through any kind of writing, can experience Love and it's quite simple and that is, again, what makes it so wonderful.

Writing not only allows us to portray our feelings, but also feelings that no-one around has felt before. It allows us to imagine Utopian eras or worlds of chaos, taking us away from the petty problems of Life. It is something that leaves a sense of fulfilment, no matter how good or bad you feel you have written.

Diaries. They can be of so many kinds. Diaries with accounts of the day, diaries with lyrics of songs, diaries with drawings, diaries with poems, diaries with stories, diaries with fantasies and dreams, diaries with dates and telephone numbers.... These also help to find that sense of fulfilment, no matter what has been scribbled, scrawled, written, typed or drawn in them.

Letters. Sure, we have the e-mail now. But writing a letter to someone, on paper, makes it even more exciting for so many reasons. You don't know when the other person will receive it, you don't know when you will get a reply, you appreciate the distance between the two of you even more as you wait in anticipation for your reply, the happiness you feel when you finally get a reply. Try writing a letter, sometime, rather than a quick e-mail. You'll notice the difference.

Writing is a wonderful thing, so cherish everything you write, and be sure to save it, so that you can read it again. And don't be ashamed of innocent kiddish writings, they are what made you improve in the first place.

And another thing, my absence for so long has not been the effect of writer's block, it was actually SHAME. I was ashamed of my writing skills, which I temporarily supposed I didn't have. Not anymore, though. And it only seemed fitting to come back with a post about Writing.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


"Change is the only thing that's constant in life" - some pessimistic-but-frustratingly-right person.

It is the only thing that is constant. Other than Love, but that's just there. It's not something that moves or goes away completely. It's not something that can.

But isn't change just the crappiest thing sometimes?

We move to different houses, we change the way our rooms look, we get siblings, we change schools, we make new friends, we grow up. But none of these, as far as I'm concerned, are anywhere close to how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sometimes I think, why do we make friends, why do we get attached to one another if we know we're going to be separated one day? And I always have the answer to it : without people, we wouldn't really be able to survive.

Without people, there would be no-one to love. Without people, there would be no-one to tell us where we're going wrong. Without people.....we wouldn't be people.

And that's exactly why it's so hard to say goodbye. Because it is those people that go away that made us real, living human beings.

So I'm going to try every possible way to say goodbye - just in case I wanted to say it some way and I wasn't able to and I realise that years later and regret it forever.

So, for Rhea......Goodbye. I'm going to miss you. Lots.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Nothing, less than nothing and a Frazillion words.

So, once again, owing to the absolute laziness and blank-mindedness of Jozie, the world had been temporarily saved from some really useless posts.

And once again, she's back to make you groan.

Although I decided to write a post, I realised that I have a severe case of the most dreaded disease in the blogosphere......writer's block. And I'm in misery. But I figured, I'll just make a few pictures speak for me. Even though they say everything other than what I would like to.

I've always been interested in photography and I dare say, I'm pretty good too. So I'm going to share with you some of the best pictures I have taken till date.


These are all for now....Hope you liked them, it's always nice to be appreciated. I spent a lot of time looking for these pictures so PLEASE COMMENT!

Which one's your favourite?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Crimes worth noting.

And you thought that a developed country or city is perfect?

- A giganormous theft in Wafi Mall on the 15th of April left the whole of Dubai shocked out of their wits. 50 million DOLLARS worth of jewellery was stolen from the Mall.

Largest jewel robbery (Belgium) - At the Antwerp Diamond center, Belgium, over the weekend of 15/16 February 2003, 123 of the 160 vaults were emptied, with an estimated loss of at least $100 million.

Largest robbery by a mugger (UK) - Treasury bills and certificates of deposit worth $435 million were stolen when a mugger attacked a money-broker's messenger in the city of London, UK, on May 2, 1990.

Largest drug seizures - On September 29, 1989 in Sylmar, California, USA, officers from the Drug Enforcement Administration seized 21,570 kg of cocaine. The largest heroin seizure took place in Bangkok, Thailand, on February 11, 1988 when officers seized 1,277 kg of heroin.

Think again.

PS: I'm really sorry, and I know this has nothing to do with the topic, but I just HAD to tell all of you. Pablo Picasso's full name is.....*drum roll please*.....
Pablo Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno de los Remedios Crispin Cipriano de la Santisma Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.
I'll give you a minute to retrieve your breath.
He is also the most prolific painter. In a career that lasted 75 years, Picasso (I will refrain from typing his name out again) has produced about 13,500 painting and designs, 100,000 prints and engravings, 34,000 book illustrations, and 300 sculptures and ceramics.
Yeah, catch your breath again.