Sunday, July 13, 2008

Oobleck.

So.

I've been away for quite some time now. Okay, that's such a HUGE understatement, I shouldn't have written it. But somehow.... it doesn't seem that long. I remember writing that last post like it was two minutes ago.

Why the hell does time fly by so fast?

I mean, seriously. Time is like a thousand times caffeine charged New Yorker - always in a hurry. I don't even get to see its face as it whizzes by, the least affected by millions of pleas to slow down. All it has on its mind is: "I've got to keep going. I can't wait for any man or woman or dog or butterfly. I've got to be a completely mysterious thing that no-one can understand. I've got to keep going."

Time confuses me. And sometimes I wish it didn't exist. Which, I know, is a stupid wish but come on....who has not wanted to stay in that one moment for the rest of their lives?
Actually, you know what?I'm not even going to attempt writing more about Time because it confuses me into frazzled-brain mode and I wouldn't be able to make any sense out of it no matter what I write.

All throughout the first term of tenth grade and this summer, I have not been able to sleep at night. No matter how sleepy I am, no matter how many sheep I count.... I can NOT sleep. This is because I've got too much on my mind, apparently. I don't know how to solve this, all I know is that it's friggin' annoying. I think too much, act very little. And these constant, annoying thoughts keep buzzing in my head and I'm just not able to swat them away. I try to calm myself down and empty my mind but there's always that faint flickering of a thought at the back of my mind that I can actually SEE when I close my eyes. And the worst part is, I could think of a million things about the world and his wife, but it all comes back to same bloody thought.

When school was going on, I thought I was going mad.

I don't know why, but I seem to want to act a lot more mature than I can handle. I don't want to annoy my parents with petty problems, I listen to them instead and I calm them down and never say a word about what's going on in my labyrinth of a mind. On top of that, my body's going bonkers. I get a sore throat every night and in the morning it's all fine. I get a headache every two weeks that lasts a day. Every day, a new muscle hurts somewhere. And on top of that, I always seem to have heartache. Not literally, but my heart is always aching for something. I can't really explain that feeling except with the word 'ache' so there it is.

All this is WAY beyond my maturity level.
I mean, I'm dealing with everyday teenage things which, in reality are extremely trivial. So, thinking that it happens to everyone and I shouldn't be given any special attention for it, I deal with it myself, often ignoring it rather than sorting it out, therefore gathering a lot of pent-up anger which can be quite frightening for the next person who annoys me just a little bit, as their heads are as good as not there in this case.

Maybe this is the reason for my insomnia. Maybe this is the reason for my confusion. Maybe I'll really go mad one day if I keep on like this.

But you know what? I kinda like it. I like the feeling of absolute confusion about everything. I like it that even though I think too much about things that aren't necessarily happy, I AM happy, believe it or not. And that confuses me further! It's like this vicious cycle and I'm addicted to it. I'm wondering if I'll actually be content if it comes to a point where everything's cool and sorted out and there's not a worry in the world.

I like the unrest in my weird little world. Do I hate that about me?

I have no bloody idea, but I'm gonna let Time tell me.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back love!:D
I know the feeling of absolute confusion! It happens a lot and to be honest, it's fun!
Keep blogging lowely!:D

-Sravya

Shalaka said...

A very warm welcome back indeed :D

Yup, everyone has that one moment that they'd like to stay in, but we have to move forward to experience all the other moments .. which is where time comes in. :P

Great post !

Namrata said...

Joziiiiie =)
Omg I feel exactly like this ! Like seriously ! Its SO weird right ?
I hope that your insomna is cured .. even though now that'll be harder than ever. Its gonna be hell, these next six months !

Anyway I wish we could stop time too .. life would be so much easier .. we could enjoy everyhting more slowly and fast forward through aLL the pain. But i guess then we wouldnt learn the lessons we do =)
Great post and glad to see youre back in action !
Namz=)

Rayna said...

awesome post, u really write damn well.

Unknown said...

Sometimes it's in moments of extreme chaos and confusion that we see things the clearest.

You'll be just fine, J. I'm sure of it! Good luck! And write more often, will you. ;)

Nishant said...

Time doesn't exist :)